Finding Solace Alone: My Insomnia Reflections

Finding Solace Alone: My Insomnia Reflections

Reflecting on the Empty Spaces

         

 It's 1:28 AM on September 14, 2023, and I find myself struggling with insomnia, which leads me to reach out to my friends at midnight in hopes of engaging in random conversations to help me fall asleep. This ongoing battle with insomnia is truly frustrating.


I find myself pondering: how can I take care of myself if I can't even manage to get a good night's sleep? At the moment, I don't have any pressing issues, and I'm not feeling stressed. However, the idea of being alone in my house while my baby Kylie is on vacation for a few days is actually quite unsettling. I kept searching for some form of company until it was 5 AM, and only then did I manage to fall asleep. This has been happening for a few days now.


During this time, I tried to buy some time by simultaneously playing Valorant and watching the Korean drama 'Strong Woman Do Bong Soon.' Suddenly, my internet connection stopped working, and despite my efforts to contact my internet service provider, I couldn't get through because the telephone stopped working. I also reached out to my friends to ask about their internet, but they informed me they were experiencing the same issue. So, here I am, waiting for my internet to come back, fully aware that I might face restrictions in Valorant for being AFK, likely for a day or more.


Since I can't stand the eerie silence, I began watching "The Break Up," starring Jennifer Aniston and an unfamiliar actor, while typing this blog.


In this moment of contemplation, I've come to realize that my life isn't solely centered around social media, as I once thought. Instead, it revolves around seeking companionship. I have an aversion to silence, and I keep the movie playing to fill that void. But the question that lingers is: am I lonely? am I sad?


I know, I am used to being alone, but for some reason, the empty bed behind me (because my computer is in front of it) feels like a melancholic chapter of my life.


I’m 25. I’ve been independent since 16 but how come, I’m 25 and longing to be taken care of. 25 and confused. 25 and broke. 25 and a single mother.


I've always believed that I had it all because I've achieved significant milestones in my life, ones I don't want to boast about alone. In a technical sense, I've become someone. I still have opportunities lining up, but here I am, waiting for happiness to find me. I know it sounds ridiculous and this blog is a bit crazy like a wild goose chase, but it is.


But again, like I said in my goal of self-improvement, I need to be able to understand and to be able to accept.


I got lost and gave my heart away.


People asked me about my well-being, and I consistently responded that I was doing fine because I desired to feel that way. However, my thoughts right now feel like a crazy roller coaster. I even find it challenging to focus on a single task; I constantly seek to juggle multiple things because not doing so makes me feel incapable.


I feel so broken inside and unhappy but at the same time, I know I’m okay, I know I can do it. I just don’t know if I can let go of these big emotions.


So, I am sharing this because part of my journey is to understand and accept. If you have any advice or tips on how I can handle and overcome these emotions, please feel free to share them with me.

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